Once
upon a time, there was a blogger princess who had hemorrhoids. Her hemorrhoids
grew and grew, then grew some more, and finally she decided that she needed to
see them so that she could assess whether a doctor’s visit was appropriate.
So
she bent over and bent over, and tried to bend over again. But try as she
might, she was unable to see her hemorrhoids in the mirror. “My goodness!” she
exclaimed. “I simply cannot bend past 60 degrees, what with all this pain in my
rear end!”
She
thought and she thought, and then she thought some more. “Would my darling
husband be willing to look at my swollen bottom? Does he love me enough to take
one for the team?”
The
answer was a resounding “NO!” that was heard throughout the kingdom.
“My
oh my, whatever will I DO?” the blogger princess wondered. “Aha!” she said, as
a lightbulb went off in her head. “I can take a picture of my swollen, ape-like
bottom, so I can see the trouble really close-up!”
The
blogger princess trod like an elephant flitted gracefully over to her
iPhone and opened up the Instagram app. “Yes, THIS will be as easy as pie,” she
thought to herself.
*CLICK*
And
just like that, the image appeared on her screen. The blogger princess looked
at it this way, then looked at it thatta way. Then she turned her phone
sideways and looked at it again. She tried the Rise filter and the Earlybird
filter and the Inkwell filter and the Kelvin filter, oh my! So many choices!
And then she tapped the green Checkmark symbol to save it to her phone.
“Terrific!”
thought she. “Now I can compare it to a future photo and see if they’ve gotten
any worse. How convenient!”
The
blogger princess filed it away in her Camera Roll, thinking she’d tough it out
and see if her hemorrhoids were any worse in two more days. 'Til then, off to
rule the kingdom!
When
she opened Instagram up a couple of days later, she was surprised to see a
little icon pop up on her screen. “What does THAT mean?” she wondered
innocently. She tapped the icon, and up popped a second screen THAT SAID
SOMEONE HAD COMMENTED ON A PHOTO IN HER STREAM.
“Comment?!”
the blogger princess thought wildly. “How can someone comment on a photo in my
stream? What is a stream?? WHO CAN SEE MY STREAM???”
And
there, before her very eyes, in vivid color, was a thumbnail picture of her
swollen sphincter. Posted next to it was a comment that asked, “WHAT THE HELL
IS THAT?”
And
that, Internet, is How Not To Use Instagram.
