Finally around 1:00 I called Charter to see if there was anything they could do. After the first several minutes of navigating the voice response system and punching in my phone number, my account number and the last four digits of my Social, I was finally transferred to the Very Helpful Automated Voice that wanted me to state my issue clearly.
Voice: “Please briefly explain the trouble you’re having. For example, if you want to order new service, say, ‘Order new service.’ ”
Me: “My cable modem is not working.”
Voice: “You said, ‘I want to order new service,’ right?”
Me: “NO.”
Voice: “Okay. Please hold while I transfer your call.”
[CLICK.] [SILENCE.] [BUSY SIGNAL.]
I called back, a good bit less happy than I’d been moments before, AND I WASN’T ALL THAT HAPPY BEFORE.
I went through that entire process again – complete with the misunderstanding of what I’d actually said – and this time they transferred me to a person when they said they would.
After RESTATING my name, address, phone number, account number, last four digits of my Social – which apparently don’t read through their multiple systems – he asked me what my issue was.
Me: “I have no Internet service and no phone service.”
Him: “How did you call us?”
Me: “I used my cell phone. We use Voice Over IP, so when the Internet is down, our house phone is down, too.”
Him: “How many computers are connected to the Internet in your home?”
Me: “Three.”
Him: “I’m going to need you to shut them all down.”
Me: “Ohhhhhhkaaaay.”
I’d gotten two of them shut down before he came back to life.
Him: [excitedly] “Okay, HERE’S your problem. There’s an outage in your area right now.”
Me: “An outage in my area RIGHT NOW doesn’t explain why I have no service roughly 20 hours of the day, every day.”
Him: “Well, I’m going to transfer you over to the Outage Department so they know how important it is to have your service reinstated as soon as possible.”
Me: “WHAT I’M SAYING IS, an outage in my area at this moment doesn’t explain why I HAVE NO SERVICE ANY DAY AT ALMOST ANY TIME.”
Him: “Yes ma’am. But our Outage Department will be able to fix that. I’m trying to pull up times when a truck can get to your street for repair, but my Internet is down right now.”
Me: “THAT’S BECAUSE YOU USE CHARTER.”
Him: [pause] “Please hold while I transfer you.”
[CLICK.] [MUSIC.]
Voice: “Unfortunately we were unable to recover your personal information from our system. However, your outage has been reported and we will have your service restored as soon as possible.”
[CLICK.]
And then I died.
